Photos and Words of Patrick Calder

I live in Washington, DC with 1 cat named Pixel, 6 cameras, 3 computers, 158 movies, 286 books, and 1 bowling pin. I own the Design Foundry and pretend to be a graphic designer by day.

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 3 years old. Opinions change. Tastes change. Everything changes. I may still agree with or like this, or I may not. But everything is kept up here for archival purposes.

normal is difficult / May 8, 2007

Sitting in a bar in one of those moments where I have absolutely nothing to say to the person across from me, a thought popped into my head.

Through much of college and the early years of my life in DC — including and especially my last job — I dealt so much with dysfunctional, damaged people. People who needed more than they could return. People you constantly had to be there for, totally sacrificing yourself. People who had to hear that certain something from you or they would just break down.

Those are very tiring people. In fact, I’ve become less tolerant of them. I’m not very proud of that. It wasn’t intentional, but I just ‘saved’ one too many people, one too many times. And suddenly, while I would do my best to be supportive in any given moment, afterwards I was hard-pressed to follow through. From vast experience, I was an expert at knowing what such a person needed to feel stable, but it just wasn’t in me any more to try and save someone.

But life changes. I generally work alone, now. And the scope of friends I come into regular contact with has greatly increased. Either by divine intervention, luck, or just inevitable odds, I seem to be surrounded by ‘healthier’ people, who don’t constantly ‘need’. And I’m not really sure how to handle it any more. When did I forget how to just sit back and talk with someone; someone who didn’t need to hear all the right words?

I don’t want to be constantly supportive at the cost of my own life. It’s fucking exhausting. And in my head I have constant ideas, and desires, and plans. But … I don’t know any more how to talk about them to… a normal person.

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One thought on “normal is difficult

  1. just start talking. ok, not as easy as it sounds I know.

    I usually starts with a question or a statement about what’s feeling or thinking. And then once the thought process starts to juice, I expand on my thoughts.

    Between the years of college and real life job (with health insurance) I dropped “friends” like flies, especially those I can’t really relate to. I rearranged life and make time for those who actively make a good difference in my life and vice versa.

    I think your photographs make good conversation pieces 🙂

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