home: September 2004 Archives

I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to write.

I think I mentioned before, I had a english comp professor in college who had us keep daily journals. And if you honestly couldn't think of anything to write... you repeatedly wrote I can't think of anything to write.

Right now... I feel the need to expel some mental miasma. Like a sneeze you can feel coming. You prepare yourself... stop... deep breath... tense your shoulders so as not to blow yourself over... wait... your nose is tingling... here it comes... almost there...

I feel like I need to write to get rid of something. Trouble is... I am kinda tired. This puts me in a very mellow mood. And I can't write worth a shit when I'm mellow.

This whole day has been fucked up. All I've had are snacks all day, and no real meals. It's now almost 11 PM, and I have no desire to eat dinner, which would be my first real meal of the day. Didn't get much work done either. Lots of little prep shit for the coming deluge. But nothing measurable.

Well... I did get stuff back up on my walls, this evening. My apartment was recently gutted for renovations, and I've slowly been getting it back into a livable state. I have two small problems left. Well, two small piles that are problems. Stuff I don't want. There's a stack of comic books and a stack of picture frames. Both still in good condition. Not that they interest me in the least. The comics I've had some recommendations on... donate them to a library or hospital or such. i looked up the donations page at the Children's Hospital, but as expected, they're mostly concerned about money. And I can't bring myself to call someone whose life is dedicated to helping to ease the suffering of children, and asking them if they want the comic books that are too boring even for me. *breath* The picture frames leave me in more of a quandary. Short of a garage sale, how do you get rid of picture frames that you don't want? I won't throw them away. I'd be satisfied giving them away... but how does one advertise picture frames of varying sizes, materials, shapes, and colors? I'm thinking maybe I should come up with an art project utilizing them, and give them to people as presents.

Wait.. I smell girls outside...

I think that's what girls smell like. I don't know. It seems like so long since I've left my apartment.

Is the sky still green out there?

I have too much crap. I could easily have told you that a week or so ago when I moved it all down the hall and back again, so my floors could be replaced. That little exercise in exercise didn't even involve everything.

Procrastinator that I am, at about 11 PM last night, I started moving everything into the center of my apartment. Everything. This is in prelude to haveing the walls repainted. Somehow, when everything was in its previously ordained place, it could almost look sparse in here, at times. But try to pile it up in the center of one room, with at least a 4 foot walkway surrounding it, and you would be surprised how fast it fills up. I have maybe enough room left for a large bulldog. (Pixel has chosen to sleep on top of a perilously piled stack of laundry, which rests on a stack of comic books I'm trying to give away, which rests on some empty boxes, which rests on my couch. Did I mention the beautiful new floor the couch rests on?)

But yes... too much shit.Too many empty boxes for when I move or sell something. Too many clothes, because I feel guilty giving away a gift I never wore. Too many books and paper stacks, whose contents I could no longer describe. An absolutly obscene number of picture frames, some of which are big enough to hold Christo's artwork.

It's a life long habit of collecting crap so I have something of my own. And while it can be meaningful, sometimes crap is just crap.

I had a strong, if not entirely new feeling, when I came home from my most recent trip north. It involved what felt like the blindingly obvious need to eschew mental clutter and useless actions. Instead of obsessing about the appropriateness of inviting Autumn to dinner with Kier and myself, I just call and inform her of the opportunity. Instead of worrying about the fact I am going to call someone I don't know and ask them for work, I make the call. I never cared about the outcome. It was just the fact I had to make the call that hung me up. Every second I worry over inviting Autumn to something is another second I could have been creating a real memory.

It's not so much trying to order my life as trying to cut loose the necrotic memories and processes.