self-improvement: April 2005 Archives

Note to my friends:

"You're all completely fucking nuts; and should be rounded up and shipped to Guam where you can spend years working in their fish cannery." More and more I can understand the urge to break off all human contact, live in a log cabin in east nowhere, and send mail-bombs to annoying people.

If you're my friend, I don't care how much you know. I will in fact point, make fun, and ridicule you if you don't stop trying to impress me. Discussions? Great. But nothing kills a good talk faster than stating an undeniable fact and refusing to consider outside comment. Keep in mind that of all the things that humanity has ever known in the entire time it has existed.... almost every one of them have been proven wrong.

I'm not sure why, but more and more, I'm having problems with 'professional appreciators', (to steal a phrase from High Fidelity). Not, you know, actual interpersonal conflicts or fisticuffs. But they're grating on my fucking nerves.

I'm guessing it has something to do with having started my own business last year. I tried explaining something similar earlier tonight... and failed miserably. But once you take that huge dive off a cliff, and do something that average, comfortable people don't do... it's either addictive or horizon-expanding. (Not that those two things don't usually go together.) The final act of "doing" that thing is what sets you apart. Everyone and their janitor has plans. But most people don't "do" it. Being a procrastinator most of my life gives the act a certain special feeling. But now that I'm on the far side of that hurdle, I'm seeing how much is accomplished even nowadays due to sheer force of will.

I'm feeling this need, more and more, to go into my life, and see why I'm doing things. See what is working and what isn't. To throw out the useless, and bring in something good. But oh god, does it seem like a lot of work. Especially when nothing involved is tangible, and most of it would be hard to quantify.

Oy, I am so tired. But I don't want it to be tomorrow. And if I go to sleep, it will be tomorrow that much faster. I am probably going to be slammed with work tomorrow, and have it carry through most of the week. This... I could do without.

These thoughts have been neither coherent nor comprehensive. They are just the healthier expressions of dark, little, festering thoughts that have been sitting on my chest lately.