Patrick Calder

loss

Today, I’m wondering if the hardest part of losing someone is that you keep having things you want to share with that person.

Dad

My father died on January 5. It’s a horrible thing to contemplate. It’s a macabre thing to discuss with the doctors. And it is without a doubt, the worst feeling I’ve ever had, when it finally happened.

And yet I’ve had very little obvious reaction. I cried the morning it happened, and came close a couple times in the following days. The funeral and calling hours were difficult, but more for dealing with all the people and their reactions. I miss him, and can’t really grasp the idea that I will never see him again. We never talked frequently to begin with, since neither of us handled phone calls well. Maybe it just seems like another lull between calls.

It really seems like it should have affected me in some obvious, drastic way. The only thing I might even mildly associate with it was shutting down a bit. Reverting slightly to the closed off nature I’d been trying to shed. I’m hoping it’s temporary.

I said to his wife: In his last 10 or 15 years, he travelled, he had a woman who would put up with him, he had new toys, he got back together with his family and his roots. He had friends and indulged in vices and hobbies. He had pets and grandchildren. I can’t think of anything else in life that could have made those years better for him. He did what made him happy, and that’s all I find important.

Please don’t offer me advice or reassurance in the comments to this. This isn’t reaching out for help. This is just talking.

The day of my father’s funeral

From left to right: his daughter Reta, his brother Jerry Don, his aunt Alene, his sister-in-law Linda, his uncle David, and his wife Ann.

Dad

David “Chunky” Calder

June 1, 1940–January 5, 2010

T. Neil Calder: October 23, 1952 - November 1, 2009

ending

My uncle is dying. He’s a good man. I’ve often said he’s the white sheep of the family. But I don’t really have much I want to say about that here.

It sounds like he’s out of it at least as much as he’s coherent. I don’t know which side of that is worse. While it’s awful to see your loved ones without any idea what’s happening around them, I can’t imagine being coherent enough to know that you only probably have a few days to live.

happy father’s day

Texas Day 3

Texas Day 2

Texas, Day 1

Texas

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

no more fun

I no longer have a ten foot long hole in my wall. So I got that going for me.

(Plumbing that doesn’t leak: Good. Cat locked in bathroom for 3 days: Bad. Seeing the debris from the last time the wall was opened lazily dumped in the space behind the wall: Bonus.)

…

That’s it. I am officially not going to have fun any more. Fuck it. In the middle of Dragon*Con, I got a call telling me my mother had been taken to the hospital. If she’d waited 30 minutes more, she coulda died. But by the time I got the call, she’d been stabilized. And lets not forget that after 3 great trips with friends and family, all in one month, I get the shit kicked out of me by a condition I should not have and doctors can’t explain. And while I’m cooking Thanksgiving dinner for friends, I get a call telling me that my father had been taken to the hospital the night before, also on death’s door. (Again, stabilized and in ICU by the time they called). So no more fun for me, ‘cause all it means is some bad shit is gonna happen.

Heee…

I wish I could really be that dramatic.

Yes all those things sucked beyond belief. But for better or worse, I handle that kind of crap with relative calmness. I didn’t fly off the handle, because what good would it do. I didn’t hop the next plane to home, because each time I heard, it was already past the tensest hours. And each time, I was literally surrounded by friends, doing something that made me feel good. That’s what I really needed. (And most of you are out there. So… thank you and stuff.)

But holy fuck, if anyone out there is listening: I really don’t need anything more right now.

family matters

I went to another world a few weeks ago. I think the natives call it Texas, but it’s hard to tell, since their language is so difficult to understand. Thankfully I have family there. Their language is kind of funny too, but the hand gestures make up for it. Keeps me coming back every year.

Family. Those wonderful people with severe brain damage, that you wouldn’t turn in to the cops, (unless there was a REALLY big reward). Absolutely, every single year, I look forward to going to Texas. I look forward to talking to these people. I look forward to eating too many dead and cooked animals. (Mmmmm… steak-fried…. everything). I look forward to the dry winds kicking up red dirt as they blow through mesquite trees. I look forward to sunsets… well… where I can see the sun set. I look forward to seeing my little cousins, and their children, growing up and making me feel older every year.

I look forward to it every year. I must be a tiny bit masochistic. Because every year, you can be sure of a few things. You can be sure Shorty will be at the center of somebody’s stink, wether it’s his own, or someone’s wife. You can be sure that somehow a dish-to-pass lunch will become an epic battle only to be won after long hours of fighting… something. You can be sure that somehow, one of the three black people who live in Texas will stop by, resulting in a group of otherwise intelligent and forgiving family members suddenly reverting to grade school racist humor. (It’s not the opinion of black or hispanic people that bothers me — to each their own — so much as how pitiful and forced it usually sounds coming out). You can be sure someone will break down over an event that only half the people there were even alive to remember. You can be sure any family meeting will break down. No. Matter. What. You can be sure that much of this year’s reunion will be spent evaluating last year, and arguing over how to plan for next year.

There’s a real stink I’ve noticed since my first year there. And every year, my cousins seem to notice it more. These aren’t really family reunions. Not on a broad scale. For myself… I can make it whatever I want, because I’m just that pigheaded. But the way things are run, it is a group therapy session for one set group of my aunts and uncles. I can’t even put it on all of them. It’s very definitely a specific group. But as a result of that group’s actions, they make it all about “the children of Cliff”. I see that when children are something to be entertained, instead of involved. I see that when they can’t let go of the reins of what amounts to a pot luck dinner, because they feel like they’re being put out to pasture. I see that when the entirety of the extended family, and every family friend, have stopped coming, because they’re clearly not a part of it.

I think things are a bit skewed for me. I still tend to think in terms of the other side of my family, from NY, where I am actually on the younger end. My youngest cousin there is already a college graduate. But in Texas, I come from the far older end of the family. I don’t think I’ve met any cousin who is older than me, besides Candace. (Though, granted, since I can’t even remember most of their names, I’m not gonna claim to know all their ages). So while I’m thinking in New York terms of a vast group of people in my generation who’ve all gone through life already, I’m actually dealing with a Texas family where I’m one of the groundbreakers for the generation. (Not in epic events, just so much as life experiences). So while I still think it’s perfectly legitimate for me to be offended at being treated as some incompetent child, for those of my aunts and uncles who can’t seem to think in anything but generational terms, then overall, my cousins are still young and unproven. And if you want to speak the truth, a few of the older cousins haven’t exactly done particularly well for themselves. There’s people in prison, or headed there. People doing very stupid and hurtful things to their families. People not exactly inspiring confidence in my aunts and uncles.

But it’s not about generations, for me or those cousins that want to help. We’re talking individuals, not groups. I don’t think it really is for even that core group of people around whom all the arguments and ghosts seem to gather. An aunt made a very good point, after this year. That there were certain issues that this group wants to deal with. But that is it. Just issues. just things to talk about. But somehow their issues have gotten tangled up with trying to organize a gathering of a vastly larger group of people. If anything, I would consider that a prime reason to give over the weekend to somebody else… anybody else. Just so they can all sit back, without being able to hide behind dubious amounts of organizational work, and say what they have to say. And not bring down the rest of the house of cards, when they falter.

But they don’t. And they won’t. And they’re my family. So I love them anyway, and I’ll be back next year. But I won’t go to any more family meetings. I won’t offer to help. (I will help, but I won’t offer.) I’m not there to try to come to terms with a dead man. ’Cause… you know… no matter how much you want it to, that just can not EVER happen. The dead do not change.

Unless you’re Mormon.

I’m there for the wind and the food and the talk and the children and the sun.

Texas and everything after

So far, this trip could almost be called pleasant. The airport employees have been cheerful. The crowds weren’t particularly bad. Waiting at the gate in DC, a woman was brought in with a service dog the size of a Buick. It must have been part great dane, though I’d never seen its coloring before; a speckle of black, white, and silver. Near as I can tell, its primary attribute was the ability to be sturdy support for a woman who was obviously less than steady.

I just knew, when I was waiting on the plane, that the woman with the baby would be my seatmate. You know, babies are babies. But she was fairly well behaved. Had the most amazing royal blue eyes… crystal clear.

DFW gets a bit nicer every time I”m here. Looks like they finally finished most, if not all, of the people-mover. A nice replacement for the old tram. This gate may just be the nearest convenient one for a shuttle bus, but it almost looks like we may be taking a plane into SJT that holds more than 8 people.

Meanwhile I’m sitting directly below a T-Mobile hotspot sign, watching the crappy connection flicker in and out. Not like I’m gonna pay for it anyway. Why the fuck do they make it so difficult to sign up, and then lock you into more of a plan than you need. Give me a screen when I open my browser where I can Choose the number of hours and enter my credit card number at a fee of maybe $2/hour. No… I have to go create an account. Sign up for a plan. Or buy a card from someone. Kinds screws with the whole on-the-fly aspect of wi-fi.

There’s a heavyset old woman, with hair color that God never dreamed of, in a straw hat/blazer outfit that a Walmart greeter would scoff at, manning the Information desk. Texas has a very weird identity. Sort of a mutual hallucination of a campy western mixed with James Dean with a Clue. All rebellious, and proud of a norman rockwellish heritage that probably never existed. Eager to have you believe they live hard and don’t take shit, even though they’re the most laid back and friendly people I’ve met. I think they’d agree with the friendly part, if it was on their terms. Remember, they became their own country before they became a US state. “We’ll get around to it when we damn well please”.

I’m acutely aware that I’m burning precious battary here, and my brain seems to have run dry for the mo’. More later. I’m off in search of open wi-fi to get my porn fix.

Note (1 day later): Putting up the first of the pics now.

If God loves everyone, why can’t you?

My aunt is a great woman.

As a minister in east nowhere, New York, she’s taken a very unpopular stand on gay rights. People have called her crazy, foolish, impetuous, and selfish.

She will very likely be removed from her job. At the very least, she is a social pariah, which is a difficult position for any minister to be in.

But no one ever earns respect for following company policy. Humanity has never been uplifted by following the community consensus. And there is nothing meaningful in doing what is expected of you.

She is very much a leader, indirectly telling her congregations that ‘we are wrong about this, and we need to do something about it’. To take action in the face of adamant opposition requires great will and character.

I am not worried about her future. The last decade has shown her to be a woman of great strength. It would have been much more damaging if she had not found the will to take this personal stand.

She makes me proud. Couldn’t say why, but I think her parents would have been as well.

Christensen 2002 Picnic

They’re done!

Finally.

I have finished constructing the Christensen 2002 picnic picture gallery.You can find it in the navigation bar on the left or by clicking here.

As usual, clicking on any image will bring up an enlargement of the entire picture.

Calder2002

If you find yourself in a place where ‘yonder’ is an accurate measurement, ‘Old Man …’ is a proper title, and erecting an awning over your trailer makes it a house, then you know you’ve ended up in Robert Lee, Texas.

From growing up in New York, to working as an Art Director in DC, I don’t usually find myself having to carefully avoid rattlesnakes and scorpians. But that’s what I went through to see family. And, …

4 hours on a plane.
4 hours trying to get to the right gate.
4 hours on the Robert Lee highway.
144 hours scratching bug bites.
8 hours in a car with relatives
2 hours eating briscut
80 hours of sweat
2 hours selling raffle tickets
20 minutes turning off the AC again

I am greatly comforted by the fact that I had such a hard time coming up with even that list. I apparently had a good time in Texas. My family was in good spirits this year. While there was much manure spread, there were no major arguments.

In past years I really wondered about some of them. Some of them pissed me off. None of them could be accused of being sickly sweet. But each year I see them more and more as people who all want to do the right thing. They go to work every day, and try to raise their own happy families. Once a year they want to come together and restore what time almost tore apart.

In past years I think they were motivated by their own mortality. The older ones are much older. The younger ones never got to know a complete family.

Now they seem to be scared of what comes after them. As I’ve said for years, the next generation of Calder’s does not have the bond the older siblings share. There is no common history. No common trauma. The ones that do continue to show up are ussually the ones who had exposure to other parts of the family outside the context of the reunions.

But as much as I love going to Texas each year, I couldn’t give you the name of more than a handful of my cousins. I could name no more than 4 or 5 who would come to a reunion by ourselves. And it’s a much more diverse group than our parents. We come from many places. We range from small children to people in their 30s.

I have spent the last few years soaking up everything I could about my family; a family that didn’t exist to me before 2000. But I only hope that I don’t have to wait for the mortality of the next generation to catch up with it before it comes together.

trimming the family tree

i can’t think of anything to write. i can’t think of anything to write. i can’t think of anything to write.

I had an English professor in college who had us keeping a daily journal. Told us even if we couldn’t think of a word to write, we should fill a page with “i cant think of anything to write.”.

I can’t say this was the brightest professor in the bunch. A lot of the time, I would sit down before class, and fill one page with “i cant think of anything to write.”, then change pens. I would fill another page with “i cant think of anything to write.”, annd change pens again. You get the idea.

And to think I got some bad grades in college.

This just comes to mind because I’m not really in the mood to write, but I have to. Otherwise I go stale. I’ve found just rambling here keeps my imagination going in almost every area; a very important thting since I make my living in a creative industry.

I guess coming up with all the new synonyms for “stupid” that I use here really makes my brain sweat.

There are things I don’t really talk about here. They ussually have to do, in some negative fashion, with people who are very close to me. Because those are the very people who are mostly reading this. But it leaves the whole thing kind of stale at times.

My first reaction, of course, is to just say “screw those people” and write whatever I want. Some of them would take it in stride I’m sure. But there are those who already view my ramblings as more than a bit vitriolic. I know I would be persona non grata at most family functions if I started discussing the theatre of the miseries that many of my mother’s relatives seem to be.

But at the same time, I don’t even really discuss the good things. The other half of my family, being the other half of this coin. Despite my father being dimly viewed by so many in my mothers family, his own family is incredibly optimistic and outgoing. I don’t remember the last time Ruth stopped smiling. Gary brought together the senior citizens home known as his siblings after most of them hadn’t seen eachother in decades. And the announcements I get are in the form of wedding announcements and births and such.

These are all important people and important event’s to me. They’ll be left out less here. And I find after writing all this, I’m not really worried if they’ll be offended. I’m not planning on airing godawful (and damn boring) dirty laundry here. So if you see your name here and think I’ve talked too strongly about you, you either know how I feel about you and nothing will have changed, or you don’t know me well enough to begin with.

And considering what it takes to get me to shut up, I doubt that it’s my fault.

Supposedly there are those

Supposedly there are those out there who think I am about as stable as an Argentinian government.

My friends have been telling me this for years, but this time it comes from an unknown source in New York, where I grew up.

I’m positive it isn’t my immediate family, because none of them would pass up the chance to call me cuckoo to my face. And the source of this news is unacquainted with the majority of my friends and co-workers. Which leaves the assorted secondary family members; cousins, aunts, uncles, and assorted married people.

My immediate and continuing response to the news has been:Thank God!. I lived in that setting for at least 18 years. After a brief hiatus at a place superficially known as a school for higher education, I got the hell out of Dodge. You can even ask my mother how upset I was when my initial departure was delayed just a few days.

Life in central New York is so humdrum, so uneventful, and so colloquial, that it could make a hot-water-bottle constipated. Ignorance, apathy, and bigotry run rampant.
And the idea of ‘trying’ doesn’t even occur to most people.

I was raised spitting distance from a nuclear weapons storage facility. I’m a cracker who grew up thinking white people are bad. We were so poor that poor people took pity on us. I went to a high school that I hated more than any experience in my life, and would gladly burn to the ground if only they hadn’t built it out of brick. I went through an education system where I was rewarded the most when I did the least work. Physical abuse, mental abuse, and sexual abuse were everyday occurances in the area where I grew up. I put myself through four years of obscenely expensive college only to learn more about my field in the first six months of employment. I moved 400 away from every one and every thing I knew. I occasionally have to talk with guys who have M16s over their shoulders just to walk the streets or get to work. People drop jumbo jets on my head. I live in the middle of the biggest political madhouse on earth, and have yet to meet a politician I could take seriously.

These are the things I will mention in front of strangers.

And you wonder why I am less than coherant?

Don’t mind me. Again,

Don’t mind me. Again, I have nothing to say. But it’s either this or I fold my laundry. And well… we know that isn’t going to happen. Hell, it’s a minor miracle that I got it washed on time.

And you wondered what the smell was… Not my laundry!

(was my dirty dishes.)

I can’t wait to see my father’s house. He and his wife are those people who just sort of vomit lights all over their property. It’s very cheery in a gaudy, american way. Like I said to Sara, I dont go for those serene, white strings of lights. I need the big, flashing, multicolored strings. If I could find a set that also sang off-color christmas carols, I’d be a happy camper.

I utterly depressed myself today. At the Fashion Center at Pentagon City — an overly inflated name for the mall — I was looking for a gift for my father. But I couldn’t find a book store on the mall map. So I figured I would wander around the entire place until I found it. Only, I never did.

What does it say when the place has entire stores dedicated to cigars, to baseball hats, to candles, to soap…

but no books?

Why is it getting so hard to buy books? You can argue that buying them online offers more books than ever before. But I mean… where are all the bookstores going?

I only know of two used bookstores in DC. And one or two general first run bookstores. In a city of half a million people.

Ray Bradbury was wrong. We won’t have our books taken from us. We’ve already forgotten about them.

I’ll be taking horse

I’ll be taking horse and buggy to New York for the holidays.

I do so love

I do so love torturing my mother. She has a slight heart attack reading the language I use here sometimes. Kind of funny considering the language I use in person around her.

At least somebody out there is shocked.

need negates ability. or so it seems.

I am sitting here with nothing to do, trying to think of what I can write to use up the last 20 minutes of work. And of course my mind is a blank (shutup sara).

I tried reading other people’s logs. But I can only handle so much of that. Too many bubbly high school runts, or people as bored as me who choose to release that boredom into their writing. (Here’s a thought: Poetry is an art form. Some of us really don’t make good artists).

I’m happy with the project I’m working on now, however the client won’t be back for a week and a half. Which means I’ll just keep futzing with it until then.

I’m feeling a little

I’m feeling a little less fuzzy tonight. I took off early from work to get a haircut. Since I was out in Bethesda anyways, I stopped by my uncle’s place to say hello.

Do I lead a thrilling life or what. ‘Scuze me while I take my Geritol.

I mean, God help me, I even cleaned my apartment tonight! If thatisn’t sick, I don’t know what is.

I’m really looking forward to the family reunion coming up. I know I went and met all those people last year, but this year is different. My father will be there. I will probably for the first time be able to hear about his life first hand.

And of course, there is the opportunity to pick on Linds, and watch Shorty make a royal ass of himself.

But first, I have Jethro’s wedding this weekend. I’m off to Rochester, which would be more exciting if there was anyone left in town I knew. Even Nicolas is busy with his parents this week.