I had dinner tonight, in a little “those who survived our old job” gathering., hosted by our former boss. Generally it was okay, for a gathering of people who managed not to kill each other when we saw one another every day. There were just one too many digs, though, that brought back old feelings that weren’t pleasant the first time around, and certainly didn’t age well.
Consciously or subconsciously, I was always left with the feeling that in that office I was ‘tolerated’ and ‘dealt with’ by the people who ran things, rather than as some productive asset. And that they weren’t shy about letting me know that.
There was even a joke tonight about why did they wait six years before firing me. And if it wasn’t for the fore-mentioned years of being made to feel like a drain on the company, I would have surely felt like it was just a joke. But instead, it just left me fuming quietly. Not least of all because saying I was fired was stretching the truth quite a bit. At the time, I was specifically urging them to close down my department. They should give up on the failed side of the business, so that they could focus on what they do best. And I very specifically wanted them to close down my department, instead of me simply leaving, so that I could move on and take the remaining clients with me. Which is what happened in the end. Would I probably have eventually been laid off if I hadn’t made the move then? Sure. But lets remember what actually happened.
And how well the company did while I was there, and what decisions were made back then, were really none of my concern. I can, and have, spoken at length about the problems my old company had. (Read some of my old entries for details). After years of trying to help make improvements, and years of asking for the authority to improve things and be responsible for the results… and every single time being rejected…
Don’t even come to me and try, before I was fired, or at a dinner afterwards, to say that I was somehow responsible for … anything. I wanted more than anything to be responsible.
It’s easy to look back now see how stupid it was to stay in a situation like all that. I even knew it at the time. But regret is the biggest waste of an emotion. I love what I’m doing now. My clients are so much happier than I ever saw at the old company. Economically, I’m doing about 250% better that the old company was by the end. And my skill, technically and artistically, have dramatically improved.
And the hell I went through is one of those things that lets me be happy today. I’m a definite believer in the idea that you are a composite of everything you’ve experienced. I couldn’t have had the wonderful year I just did, without the things I learned at the old place — both the good and the bad.
Plus… you know… I’ve got hookers as neighbors. And when is that not a good thing?
martim
iam a men