Anniversaries

Recently passed the anniversary of my father’s death. And like I’ve seen several people do in the last few days, I was tempted to post a picture of my father on Facebook or somewhere, as a memorial. But very quickly I decided I don’t want to celebrate someone’s death… I’d rather remember their life.

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

Dad

My father died on January 5. It’s a horrible thing to contemplate. It’s a macabre thing to discuss with the doctors. And it is without a doubt, the worst feeling I’ve ever had, when it finally happened.
And yet I’ve had very little obvious reaction. I cried the morning it happened, and came close a couple times in the following days. The funeral and calling hours were difficult, but more for dealing with all the people and their reactions. I miss him, and can’t really grasp the idea that I will never see him again. We never talked frequently to begin with, since neither of us handled phone calls well. Maybe it just seems like another lull between calls.
It really seems like it should have affected me in some obvious, drastic way. The only thing I might even mildly associate with it was shutting down a bit. Reverting slightly to the closed off nature I’d been trying to shed. I’m hoping it’s temporary.
I said to his wife: In his last 10 or 15 years, he travelled, he had a woman who would put up with him, he had new toys, he got back together with his family and his roots. He had friends and indulged in vices and hobbies. He had pets and grandchildren. I can’t think of anything else in life that could have made those years better for him. He did what made him happy, and that’s all I find important.
Please don’t offer me advice or reassurance in the comments to this. This isn’t reaching out for help. This is just talking.

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

Dad

David “Chunky” Calder

June 1, 1940–January 5, 2010

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

ending

My uncle is dying. He’s a good man. I’ve often said he’s the white sheep of the family. But I don’t really have much I want to say about that here.
It sounds like he’s out of it at least as much as he’s coherent. I don’t know which side of that is worse. While it’s awful to see your loved ones without any idea what’s happening around them, I can’t imagine being coherent enough to know that you only probably have a few days to live.

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

Death and Dying and Really Good Drugs

I’ve been thinking the last few days about hospitals and doctors and mortality and all that.
It kind of freaked me out, and surprised me when I realized last night that in my core family of 4 people, 3 of us had unrelated life-threatening conditions in the last six months. My father was in the hospital for continuing health problems, largely based around his lungs. My mother had several embolisms following a surgery. And around the same time, I also had a pulmonary embolism, though — as far as I know — with much less severe results than my mother. (They actually told her that she nearly died, whereas all they gave me was a syringe full of the good stuff and a bottle to pee in.) So I went to sleep last night thinking that my sister must hate us all, for trying to leave her here by herself. That could have been a seriously bad year for her.
It’s not a particularly bad sign for my family’s genetics or anything. My father has abused his body for decades before it truly started to give out. And my mother’s embolisms were a common side-effect of unrelated surgery. And me… they never did tell if they figured out what caused my problem.
But again, nothing to obsess about. We all came through, leaving us pretty much back where we started. Everybody over the age of 20 worries about losing their parents. But as for myself, I still can’t help but think I’m immortal. I just can’t imagine myself having a drop-dead condition… ever.
*knock on wood*
But this is probably what led me to thinking about doctors and hospitals, while I was showering this morning. And I realized what a truly bad track record I have at GWU Hospital. When I went in with a broken ankle, they were positive I had broken it before, and that all they were seeing on the x-ray was the previous fracture. (I hadn’t, and they weren’t). When i last had fluid in my lungs, they were at first sure the chest pains must have been indigestion. They even gave me that green antacid stuff. Until they finally did the CT scan and found the fluid. And this last time, they were getting mad at me for being in too much pain to lie down for the CT scan. Hello! I had a condition so severe apparently that you wouldn’t even let me stand up to pee! Severe pain under reproducible circumstances… I know you learned about this somewhere! And the second trip to the hospital recently was completely useless except to confirm that no, I didn’t have internal bleeding, and that yes, I realllllllly appreciate Percocet. Everyone was worried I would become addicted to the stuff and abuse it. Never even came close. But lord, was it a god-send when I needed to get anything done.
My complete lack of strong reaction or appreciation for drugs recently kind of makes me wonder about alcohol. Certainly one of the big reasons I never had a drink was because more than one person in my family had an overly-strong appreciation for it. But with the non-reaction to the drugs, I wonder whether I would have any particular reaction to the alcohol. But of course, what still keeps me from drinking isn’t the fear of alcoholism, so much as the momentum. I’m willing to drink, but under what conditions will you allow yourself to have that first drink? Who do you trust yourself around? And where? And when?
I do think to much. Did I mention that?

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

no more fun

I no longer have a ten foot long hole in my wall. So I got that going for me.
(Plumbing that doesn’t leak: Good. Cat locked in bathroom for 3 days: Bad. Seeing the debris from the last time the wall was opened lazily dumped in the space behind the wall: Bonus.)

That’s it. I am officially not going to have fun any more. Fuck it. In the middle of Dragon*Con, I got a call telling me my mother had been taken to the hospital. If she’d waited 30 minutes more, she coulda died. But by the time I got the call, she’d been stabilized. And lets not forget that after 3 great trips with friends and family, all in one month, I get the shit kicked out of me by a condition I should not have and doctors can’t explain. And while I’m cooking Thanksgiving dinner for friends, I get a call telling me that my father had been taken to the hospital the night before, also on death’s door. (Again, stabilized and in ICU by the time they called). So no more fun for me, ’cause all it means is some bad shit is gonna happen.
Heee…
I wish I could really be that dramatic.
Yes all those things sucked beyond belief. But for better or worse, I handle that kind of crap with relative calmness. I didn’t fly off the handle, because what good would it do. I didn’t hop the next plane to home, because each time I heard, it was already past the tensest hours. And each time, I was literally surrounded by friends, doing something that made me feel good. That’s what I really needed. (And most of you are out there. So… thank you and stuff.)
But holy fuck, if anyone out there is listening: I really don’t need anything more right now.

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

Dead.

I am…
…really disturbed.
There’s a bad series of events rising. The news of the past week has been depressing enough. But reading the paper today casts a pall over everything.
Article One: Supreme Court Chief Justice Reinquist died last night. This man held on with tooth and nail, to his dying breath, to outlive the current administration. He must have been crushed after last year’s elections. It would explain all his trips to the hospital this year. Once you know you can no longer make it, or that you’ve done all you can, you will die off rather quickly.
He’s been dead for less than 24 hours, and the story has already become his replacement. The Shrub is expected to quickly name a nominee. Nothing will surprise me this time. I was sure last time, that it would have to be a hispanic person, or specifically a woman. Anything, really, but an old white man. Enter Roberts: Aspiring Old White Man. No, he hasn’t been confirmed yet. But he will be. No legislator has the cahonés any more to take a stand on a single issue.
Article Two: The Marines have been ordered into New Orleans to maintain order. Is that even legal? The National Guard is one thing. Unless federalized, as President Kennedy did, the Guard is called out by Governors. How does sending in the Marines, a federal force, to a domestic location to act as a police force not violate the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878?
Regardless of the legalities, it’s ominous and enlightening in its own right. Most Americans I have talked with have a belief that their government will “take care of things” when the going gets rough. After all… the whole point of civilization is to protect the weak and the young. But time and again, these last few years, we’ve seen how woefully unprepared our federal and state governments are to handle anything more unplanned than a new tax law. And when taken off guard by some event, be it man-made or the assault of nature, we as a people have shown neither the intelligence nor imagination to find truly reasonable and feasible solutions to these concerns. Like an angry child, we attack the thing that just scared us, with no thought towards the unknown. And terror, from any source, is by definition, the incitement of fear through the use of the unknown or unexpected.
The government isn’t all stupid. They know people believe in them, like a child looking up to their all-knowing parent. But this most recent hurricane laid bare the inadequacy of the current federal government to even inspire its people, much less actually protect them. The governments responses have been woefully late and perpetually defensive, as has become common practice. We really heard nothing until people starting asking where they were.
They panic, after saying that they’re just now learning of the true scale of the horrors along the gulf coast. They’ve already started blaming local authorities for not sending federal government accurate information. (How exactly does the Mayor of Biloxi report in, when his town no longer exists?) So is it an organizational failure? Besides the obviousness of a response of “send everything you possibly can” to a disaster of this scale,I have never seen an organizational failure that didn’t originate from the top down. And I’ve never met a good leader who didn’t take the blow themselves when their subordinates fucked up. So the local authorities didn’t check in often enough? How about all the news reports coming out of the area? How about your national guardsmen? How about your FEMA workers? How about reports from the Red Cross? Nice to see our Director of Homeland Security was scooped by Al Jazeera. Did they think the order to evacuate New Orleans was not a bad sign?
I don’t lay blame for all the people suffering, on the federal government. I lay blame for an inadequate federal government, on the federal government. For the people sitting in the sun on the highway for 3 days; for the people having to dig their way out through their roofs; for the people desperate for aid an assistance; I lay the blame primarily on those people. I don’t wish suffering on any person. And there are, without a doubt, people who were physically unable to respond the the warnings and danger around them. But what is wrong with these people who are just sitting there saying “save me before I die”?! As I said… if your legs don’t work, or you’re trapped on an island, then it is an incredible tragedy. But otherwise… why are you sitting there? Your house is gone. You’ve run out of food and/or water? What on earth makes you sit there and wait for someone to pick you up, rather than to start walking north? People in Sudan are being bombed, and raped, and slaughtered. So what did they do? Entire towns stood up and started walking, and didn’t stop until they got to a new country.
It’s all a horrible parody, I sometimes think. The “strong” American people, so dependent on being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it. And we’re proud of this. Not like those third world countries. Other countries have people dying for the freedom to make their own decisions. We now have people dying in the streets for nothing more than their blind faith in the government.
For the last few days, I’ve been thinking about feral cities, in relation to New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf Coast. I don’t know that the people in this country have the ability, on the large scale necessary, to take responsibility for their own lives, anymore.
Yeah… I know I lost my focus somewhere in here. But these are just a few little things that have been bugging the holy fuck out of me.

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!