her.

There was a lot going on in my life this year, somewhat behind the scenes. (Though of course some of it leaked out. Damn reality.) Makes it hard to talk about certain things without bringing up other things.
There was a woman this year. Okay… there were two women this year. But there was one woman who really helped turn my life upside down. Haven’t had a crush like that in… well… forever. But rather than sit back and pine and admire from afar, I told her how I felt.
See… as far as I always knew, that’s where the drama was supposed to end, one way or another. This is either a good thing for them, or not. But as I recently wrote, my outlook up to that point had not been particularly realistic nor mature. I wish I could go back and have had just a tiny bit of understanding for that brief time. Not because I want to change the outcome. I can’t find the words to say why. But that’s what I wish.
I had some problems. I never should have gone in with assumptions, first of all. It set me off on the wrong foot to start with. There were misunderstandings. Oh so many misunderstandings and miscommunications. And there was very much me not being in the frame of mind that I should be. (I know that one’s still a bit vague, but that’s all you get for right now.)
I’m trying to think of how to describe her. It’s hard to look back to immediately before everything, and remember what I thought of her then. Like what I saw before was a shell of something. (Not to say I know the whole story now.) But some things hold true, still. Her and I led very different lives. But there’s more in common between our backgrounds than almost any friend I have. She is smart in a way that’s almost scary. She’s said she bullshits some of it, but I’ve yet to catch her at it. Every topic. Every idea. Every argument. And she does have the opinions to go with that knowledge. Oh my gawd, when she gets passionate about something…it’s a joy to watch and hear. I just sit there smiling like a dummy. And she is beautiful. I’ve been trying for 10 minute to figure out how to describe her beauty, and I can’t find a fitting way. I think I did tell her once, perfectly. But I’ll be damned if I share that moment with everyone else. Just know that there are times where the sight of her can just make my brain stop. If you know what that means, then you know what that means.
That’s just the surface shit. The stuff I knew before, and still believe. When we thankfully came out the other side of the surprisingly short bit of drama, I was left with a much more complex picture than I imagined existed. But I think I was left with a different, better friendship as well. And one of a kind that I needed right now. I know this sounds like the immediate justifications of someone who didn’t get the girl. I keep worrying it is. But it’s been about 6 months now. And she’s still incredible.
Hopefully this is out of my system now. Been wanting to write something about this since day 1. Though.. you know… if I disappear in a few weeks, after she’s read this, could you send someone ’round to collect the remains?

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

not just you

So there were two thoughts bugging me on the metro tonight. One new, and one very old. Here’s the first, and we’ll see about the second if I still have the energy later.
More than a few times recently, I’ve been thinking of things I want to write. They’ve concerned things involving people I know. They always involved multiple people. But based on past reactions, I’ve felt like, each time, that I would need to add a disclaimer, that when I mention “several people did or said so-and-so”, that I would have to reinforce that point. That I would have to say: If you think I’m talking about you, I probably am. But I’m not talking only about you.
Well… fuck that. It’s stupid to have to have to try to convince people of something I said clearly the first time. And it tends to lead me to not even bother writing.
When I say it, I mean it. If I get crap in the future, I’ll very likely simply point you to this post, and then drop it. If you choose to sulk and not tell me that you feel personally insulted, well… not really my problem then, until you do come to me about it.

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

smell

The thing that gets me about all beers and most wines so far, (besides just generally bad taste), is the smell. And the first thing people keep telling me to do it to smell these drinks. But the smell immediately pulls me back about 25 years. Every single time, I’m put back in my frame of mind as a kid. People who smelled constantly of alcohol. The 5 gallon bottles of uber-cheap wine. A lot of less than positive stuff.
I’m not saying the drinking I’m doing is bad. (Although red wine still consistently tastes like feet). Just a trigger for early, ingrained things. Amazing what smells can do.

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

more advice, from friend #3

if you like “girly drink, try midori sour (melon taste liquor mix with something, sex on the beach (i think vodka + ..) they are sweet
guinness is my choice of beer.. dark & smooth. slightly better than the rest
i think the worst one i’ve tasted is bombay (liquor).. blech!
if i had to choose drink, i usually go for vodka.. or vodka based. they tend to mix it with something sweet
or rum is not bad either, rum + coke is typical college drink
sake is similar taste to vodka.. there is also sweet kind of sake.. i forgot the name. but usually the more expensive, the less burn.. you can ask at the wine store for sweet kinda sake
and you get this info from your non-drinking friend (&)
for wine, bordeaux is not bad.. rose (pink) is summer drink

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!

the long weekend

‘Scuze me while I work my way backwards through the last few days:
Sunday was actually both relaxing and kinda productive. Started off the morning going to Eastern Market. No new toys, (although I found both TLR and folding cameras in good condition!). But I did pick up some fresh fruit. Went from there to the mall, looking for a carrying case for my newest toy. Didn’t end up buying anything though… not willing to pay $30 for a piece of plastic, when nicer cases for older models cost less. I understand the concept — that since the newer model is a premium object, the consumer is probably going to be able and willing to pay more for the associated accessories. But that’s not me. So I went back across town again and did some grocery shopping. I am loving the new Safeway. They’ve obviously been studying the success of stores like Wegmans, because they’re picking up a lot of their architecture and methods. I now have cheesecake! When I got home and realized it was only early afternoon, I went back out and picked up some frame so I could hang some of the art I’ve been gathering over the years. I like the new wall. Though it makes me realize my photo wall is too crowded, and I need to spread those out a bit.
all scarves
Saturday started with a haircut. I am once again purty. Then meeting Kier to go to the Small Press Expo. I enjoyed it, this year. There was a lot of good, quality work. Past years had seen too many shoe-gazers and too much really weak art. But this year there was a decent range and a variety of styles. Picked up a couple things. And though I couldn’t convince anyone else to go, I planned on hitting Spellbound that night. It really has been a long time since I went. But my 9:30 “quick nap” didn’t end until nearly 2am, at which point it wasn’t worth it. Gawd I’m old.
Friday was normal amounts of work. Nothing special. That night, Stephanie came over for pizza and a movie. A movie with cameras and hawt, hawt, lesbian sex, of course. Was nice because I also hadn’t seen Stephanie in a while.
Thursday was a fairly average work day as well. Though I did manage to put together a piece I really liked, and somehow the client chose that version as well. (No doubt they’ll destroy it yet in edits). That evening, I met with friends at a local restaurant to watch the Vice Presidential debate. I gotta say, regardless of your politics, Palin really is just about the worst speaker I’ve seen in national politics in a long time. There were points where the moderator looked like she couldn’t believe what was happening, and stopped to ask Palin if she wanted to answer the question that had been put to her. Thankfully, we were also drinking margaritas, which is another first for me. (Hell, so far I don’t think I’ve had any repeats in alcoholic beverages). A really good, interesting taste, as opposed to the “fun” taste of the Woodchuck Cider. After the equivalent (due to refills) of 3 or 4 of those, I got a ride home. This was probably a good thing, because by the time we pulled up in front of my place, I had to stop and consider wether I would be able to walk up to my apartment without leaning on the walls. First time I’ve definitely felt the effects of alcohol. Though I still wasn’t plastered. Mentally I was okay. Mostly concentrated on keeping my head enough to walk. Had no trouble with my keys, and my typing actually drastically improved. So just the large motor skills. And there was no hangover to speak of, in the morning. (Though I’d been drinking water throughout, and had more just before going to sleep.)

Please keep in mind that this post is more than 6 years old. Who the hell knows what I was thinking back then?! Damn kids... get off my lawn!